GET out the good sandals and the carpet sweeper - Christmas is on its way.
What a fantastic time of year it is. It brings together families and friends to tolerate one another for a single day of the year.
If you happen to be lucky enough to be hosting Christmas at your place, you’ll want to take some time out to get that backyard in order.
It’s a great opportunity to throw all that unused exercise equipment into the lawnlocker, bury the expired car batteries up the back corner and nail that asbestos panelling to the back fence like it has always been there.
When it comes to hosting Christmas in the backyard, don’t think of it as a one-off event that you have to impress everyone with.
Chances are the people coming over will have visited before and been underwhelmed by your décor and landscape design so there’s no use trying to pull yourself out now.
Rather, embrace the time to simply be outside and all that involves - barbecues, cricket matches, mowing, military battle re-enactments, etc.
Of course, you’re probably not going to have time to conduct all of those on Christmas day itself so pace yourself.
Make sure you’ve got something for the kiddies to do while the grown-ups are inside talking about the sister-in-law who hasn’t arrived yet.
Kids love climbing through, over and on things, so if you’ve got a car that’s not going or simply the burnt out body of one, that’ll make an ideal jungle gym.
It’s a good idea to spray some Roundup around it a few hours before, in case they take home any foreign grass seeds on their clothes by accident.
I’ve got to admit, it’s been a great year for me. My online series continues to go from strength to strength (despite some minor legal challenges and out of court settlements), I was a wildcard finalist in the Yangoolum Citizen of the Year Pageant, and that orange tree I planted so long ago finally bore fruit (although the fruit was a persimmon, which was strange). Plus, I’ve managed to secure a major sponsor for all my public speaking appearances.
It’s fantastic to have Grow Ace Fertilisers backing me in my endeavours.
What better way to encourage someone to get out into their backyard than with a garden-related present.
Here are a few ideas I’ve come up with that you might like to wrap up and put on the tree for that someone special, or the obligatory office Secret Santa that you didn’t want to really be involved in: Grow Ace Fertilisers Gardening Gloves: Now made from 100 per cent raw hessian, these are sturdy gloves designed for the toughest digging, pruning or burning. Grow Ace Fertilisers Mega Growth 42: This is a spectacular growth stimulant granular formula guaranteed (but yet to be scientifically proven) to provide 42 times more growth to any plant it is applied to. Maxi-Kill, from Grow Ace Fertilisers: Grow Ace Fertilisers has one of the last remaining major stores of dieldrin, the special ingredient behind this sure-fire weed killer. GAF Potting Mix: It’s potting mix like no other. That’s because the GAF stands for the name synonymous with quality: Grow Ace Fertilisers. Fertiliser mixing ratio app: This new app, developed by Grow Ace Fertilisers, allows the user to put in a number and have that number added, subtracted, divided or multiplied by another number. It’s a revolution in computering!
Tip of the Month: Bigger is always better when it comes to Christmas presents so be sure to get to the tree early to swap labels with your own. Joyous!
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DISCLAIMER: The information within this column is of a satirical nature and therefore the advice within should not be heeded. All views expressed here are the writer’s own.