Captain Snooze wins debate

THE Australian Insomniacs Association (AIA) has praised Sunday night’s nationally televised political leaders’ debate, calling the 60-minute talkfest one of the most significant global breakthroughs in slumber creation this century*.

“Once upon a time, ABC TV broadcast the test-pattern late at night when there was nothing left to watch on Australian television sets,” AIA president Arthur Dozer said.

“For many years the test-pattern was viewed as a sure-fire way of sending everyone to sleep by exhausting any stimulation remaining in their beings, at the end of each day.

“But on Sunday night we witnessed the single most mind-numbing show ever broadcast in our great nation’s history.

“It even surpassed other great TV moments, like watching the test-pattern in black-and-white, with the volume turned all the way down, late Sunday nights with your grandparents.

“In my view, the 2013 leaders’ debate has now become our nation’s primary reference to pro-boredom and anti-stimulation, surpassing all other iconic events.”

Mr Dozer said at one stage he changed channels to watch another station broadcasting ‘Home Alone 4’ followed by ‘The Brady Bunch Hour’.

He said those programs offered more provocation than Rudd v Abbott but he returned to the National Press Club broadcast, determined to explore the science of slumber inducement.

“On behalf of all insomniacs in our great nation, I’d like to extend sincere gratitude towards Prime Minister Kevin Rudd in particular, for boring the heck out of us all and generating so many deep, satisfying coma-like snoozes with his dull words about economic issues and his waffling portrayal of a life-less vision for the nation’s future,” he said.

“And to Mr Abbott - who chose not to wear his budgie smugglers and avoided saying “shit happens” or any other potentially controversial remarks during his discourse - we also thank you for producing a new form of broadcast entertainment, with direct audience health benefits.

“As the experts say, slumber is nature’s balm so both leaders get my vote in what was clearly a dead-heat, with un-excitement the real winner."

On social media site Twitter, the inventor of sleeping pills and tranquilizer drugs U.N.A.Wake expressed outrage at the potential loss of income and business down-turn associated with the Australian leaders’ debate.

A local start-up company, U.N.Lively, seeking to market a DVD showing paint drying and grass growing, expressed concerns the 2013 leaders’ debate could be syndicated online, making the company’s proposed products almost redundant.

The monotonous performance also earned praise from the man named Britain’s most boring politician in an online poll over two consecutive years, Alistair Darling.

“I’ve always strived to be tedious and dreary in the political sphere, delivering mundane economic analysis and bleak budget speeches which have made staring into space seem far more exciting,” he said.

“But now Australia’s political elite have stolen my anti-charisma mantle and deservedly so – even I was bored with the presentation.”

Speaking from England during a break in play during the fourth Ashes Test, Australian Test Captain Michael Clarke compared the leaders’ debate to the most dead-set boring opening batsmen in the history of Test cricket – England’s Geoff Boycott and Chris Tavare.

“Both of these cricketers were regarded as being astronomically dull, on an unprecedented scale, and frequently sent millions of people into a temporary or permanent state of inactivity, world-wide,” he said.

“They did so by striving to avoid any semblance of flamboyance in their batting.

“For example, an inside edge to fine leg or an outside edge to third man was seen as a rush of blood from these two buzz killers."

At one stage during Tavare’s only tour of Australia in the early 1980s, medical doctors were dispatched onto the pitch during the middle of a Test match, to verify if the English opener was still breathing at the crease.

That incident came during the WACA Ground Test when the obdurate Englishman batted for nearly 480 minutes while scoring a meagre 89 runs.

During that marathon innings, he also spent more than an hour at the crease without troubling the scorer once.

The doctors later concluded that Tavare was still alive but had been imitating a corpse in pads.

“The content of last night’s debate was no different as two completely boring players failed to play a single memorable shot, while pretending to be engaged in a lively contest," Clarke said.

“The repetitive nature of the defensive play and lack of flare would have made Boycott and Tavare beam with pride and jealousy.

“I had been awake all night shuddering with anxiety thinking up some more excuses for another thumping Test defeat and Dave Warner’s social habits, when Mr Rudd and Mr Abbotts’ words had me rocking the cradle like a new born baby, after just five minutes.”

Other sources were contacted for comment but admitted they only caught the opening few minutes and slept through the remainder of the debate.

*DISCLAIMER: The information within this column is of a satirical nature and therefore the advice within should not be heeded - in fact the watching of political debates is almost as likely to cause incidents of psychotic rage as comatose slumber. All views expressed here are the writer’s own.

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