YOURS must be a troubled existence.
Apart from your general lack of likable appearance, you spend the majority of your time on the refuse of other creatures.
That can’t be a good look at those fancy insect parties. I daresay you wouldn’t have much conversation time with the immaculate ladybeetles or resplendent butterflies.
As sorry as I feel for your situation, I must urge you to please refrain from entering my house.
This is as much for the sake of your own health (and livelihood) as it is for we humans.
Why would you risk certain death by entering the domain of a human habitation?
Some declare it a badge of honour that someone “wouldn’t hurt a fly”.
This phrase holds little weight with me, for I am a flyswat ninja.
I am formerly trained in the “Ways of the Swat” or WOTS.
Chances are you will not have heard of such a skill set. The brotherhood is kept very low key. So far we’ve even avoided a Wikipedia entry.
It is a little known course, not taught at Tuesday night TAFE or in an online university.
Many years of training went into acquiring these skills, including a treacherous venture into the bowels of the earth to spend three years under the tutelage of the Grand Swat Master, Swype Wit Forz, a retired, colour blind ice-cream salesman who developed the technique.
I will know you are within my realm before you know you are. I sense your every move; every darting dash, every whirling swoop, every nosedive into the glass.
The weapon of choice for a WOTS practitioner is of course, the Swat itself.
Single moulded from one piece of plastic, the Swat is an instrument of precision, engineered to achieve a balance between handle weight and mesh breadth at the “impact zone”.
Sure, subtlety is not always evident, particularly when they come in bright yellow, green, red or blue, some even in the shape of Australia, but this razzamatazz gives a bit of style to an otherwise deadly craft.
In some ways, I am probably breaking the code of WOTS by informing you of our presence, so take this as a rare olive branch from the other side.
Your track record isn’t great, as your fraternity probably knows.
It would be appreciated if you could pass on this request to your other family members and colleagues.