Claus for consideration

Dear Santa - does anyone stop to ask if you’re okay?

DEAR Santa,

My two front teeth are in position and accounted for, so my request this year is not for major dental work.

Instead, my Christmas wish is for you to see your doctor. A group of us mortal, time-bound humans have been talking and, frankly, we’re a bit concerned.

Does anyone stop to ask if you’re okay? Year-in, year-out you are flooded with requests; a new bicycle, the latest computer game, gardening gloves, a doll house, the Titleist Pro V1 golf ball set, etc.

I’ll cut to the chase: we’re concerned about your weight. Given the current health guidelines, I’d say you’d be placed in the obese category.

One of the eye-witness reports to your escapades suggests your stomach region shakes “like a bowlful of jelly”. I don’t think I need to convey how much of a concern this is.

The same report also has you smoking a pipe, within a living room no less. That’s a double social faux pas right there. The Department of Health would be all over you if they knew.

(Curiously, I’ve never detected the smell of tobacco on my presents.)

It is something of a mystery as to know exactly what you eat throughout the rest of the year.

Surely the supply of biscuits and milk left out across the globe on one night of the year couldn’t sustain you for an entire 12 months? And on a related matter - is it difficult to time your run in accordance with the expiration dates of the milk?

Let it be known that you are not forgotten in this household.

After consulting a dietician, rather than leave out the traditional sweet treats this year, we’ll be laying out a specially tailored high-protein porridge; a Mediterranean vegetable salad; a bag of dried fruits; and a glass of squeezed orange juice with just a touch of lime (I think you’ll appreciate the lime).

Oh, and word of warning. It would seem to me that your proposed flight trajectory from Australia would take you up through to Indonesia.

You’d best have a written and signed veterinarian report on hand detailing the health of your reindeer. A few animal welfare groups in these parts are on the lookout for anything they can grab hold of in order to make a headline.

The last thing we want to see is a Four Corners exposé on reindeer working conditions.

Happy Christmas, Mr Claus.

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