DEAR Easter Bunny,
TO avoid being too blunt up front, I shall pay you a compliment - your hearing must be exceptionally good with those ears.
Now then, to business. I have reason to suspect your fluffy-white, caring image hides a deeper truth.
It is a truth that could turn the commercialisation of Easter on its head. Allow me to build the case.
Firstly, we are within our rights to assume that you are a non-egg-laying mammal.
Now, being magic and all could put paid to that but stepping back, you certainly appear to be a standard, four-pawed, large-eared, whisker-snouted rabbit. (Albeit, one that can circumnavigate the world in a night and wear a vest when the occasion suits.)
So the chocolate eggs that are dispersed would surely come from another source.
Even were you to produce the eggs yourself through some weird miracle of lactation, I am questioning your ability to wrap so many eggs, so neatly with your paws.
Add this assumption to what we do know – that you deliver the eggs - and it certainly appears as if you are nothing more than a long-footed, fast hopping middleman.
Excuse the pun, but the rabbit hole goes deeper.
It dawns on me then that you may be a cunning businessman… person… creature.
It wouldn’t surprise me if, long ago, you brokered a lucrative deal with Red Tulip, Nestlé, Cadbury and Lindt whereby you’re taking a cut of every egg sold.
I suppose you’d have to allow “your likeness” to be used within promotional materials and catalogues but again, that’s what your brilliant PR team is for.
Within the past two decades you’ve been getting some stiff competition from the bilby, which many Aussies have claimed as our own Easter mascot.
Okay, so the tradition of leaving out a carrot for a fluffy bunny appears considerably more fun than leaving out a plate of grubs and fungi for a rodent-like native marsupial but let’s just put that down again to the spin doctors.
Continuing this line, the rise of the Easter bilby would seriously jeopardise your little operation.
One can’t help but notice how the push to make the bilby the new mascot lost some momentum somewhere along the way.
Like the hydrogen engine or electric car, it seems some strings higher up the food/money chain have been pulled.
The paper trail to prove any of this would be enormous, and probably filled with multi-coloured aluminium foil and straw, so no reputable lawyer is going to touch it.
But be on guard because, we know.
(And also could I please have one of those caramel filled eggs as they are a particular favourite.)