No more monkey business, donkey!

Your goal to restrain a young lady against her will is anything but pure

Dear Donkey Kong,

SIR, firstly may I address my leading salutation. I realise that traditionally you prefer to be addressed as Mr Kong, and with your reputation for chest-beating fury going before you, I hope you will forgive me in this matter.

I write in relation to your repeated kidnapping of the pink-dressed lass known as Pauline. The first instance of this crime happened back in 1981 but still you desire to hold onto her, and continually drag her up ladders like a prized salmon.

I hereby urge you to re-think your behaviour.

What drives your anger? Is it something that could be discussed in a group situation, perhaps with a counsellor present?

Surely, a large amount of frustration could have been, and still could be, avoided by simply letting her go.

Your main concern could be that by doing this would put you out of work. That may be the case but I can only assume that you have been receiving some form of commission payment for every coin that was paid to play.

Consequently, you should have saved a considerable retirement fund by now. If not, I suggest you stop taking your accounting advice from Q*Bert.

Speaking of matters financial - who is your barrel supplier? That has obviously been a lucrative contract over the years, even if their entire catalogue of work is destroyed every game.

You clearly keep yourself in good physical shape, no doubt from constantly lifting barrels, so you have much to live for.

I’m sure job prospects would be ample.

Credit where credit’s due, I admire your persistence. Your tireless efforts in hurling barrels down that steel girder infrastructure at a panicking Jumpman instills fear into even the most hardened game players today.

You are innovative as well, like a digital MacGyver. It is a cunning plan to know that the barrels will eventually reach the flaming drum below and ignite it into some mystic fireball creature intent on pursuing your victim.

Both Jumpman and Pauline must live their lives in constant fear.

However, it is not completely your doing. For instance, it amuses me why Pauline, appearing to be unhindered in any way, would not simply make a break for it and climb down the numerous ladders.

The least she could do would be to attempt to meet Jumpman at some half-way point or put up a fight.

Instead she selfishly waits for her hero to put his life on the line, sometimes assisted by an overtly large hammer, to rescue her.

Be that as it may, your goal to restrain a young lady against her will is anything but pure.

I trust you will consider my request to release Pauline and restore my faith in the goodwill of the digital ape community.


Ashley Walmsley

is the editor of Good Fruit and Vegetables.
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