Some neighbourly advice

Boy, if those walls of yours could talk.

DEAR new neighbours,

WE haven’t met yet but I’m your new neighbour.

The departure of our current colleagues makes it only logical that we’ll be meeting soon (depending on the property market of course).

Let me give you the rundown about living in this ‘hood.

It is an exciting time for you to move in, bringing with you secrets and mysteries as everyone holds.

One of the largest mysteries that has gone begging with your arrival is why the previous owners required a ride-on mower for a suburban block.

Although your new house is tried and tested, ready to be lived in, there is further potential for it.

Like the potential to have the fuse box door actually close and not left banging in the breeze. That’s a great family project for your first weekend.

Your predecessors departed without so much as a goodbye or half nod during an awkward moment when we were putting the bins out at the same time.

I’m sure we’re all going to get along swimmingly. Here’s hoping you are repetitively time conscious.

How else will I know that it’s 4pm unless I hear the gunfire and explosions coming from the video game system turned up to 11?

Or where shall we learn the latest parenting techniques that involve the use of loudly spoken threats and blackmail in order to get a room cleaned?

It will be wonderful to meet your family, whatever form that takes.

Do you have any dogs?

During the transition period, I have enjoyed the tranquillity of not having two Staffordshire Mastiff Boxer Rip-Ya-Arm-Off Terrier Hyena-crosses barking at every budgerigar chirp three blocks away.

If you’re looking to move furniture in, I can confirm that you can fit a very large truck down the side of the house.

Barbecue get-togethers are always welcome. And please, don’t think for a minute that’s just an opportunity for us to poke through your house and wonder which room that American hip-hop music used to boom out of.

Boy, if those walls of yours could talk. Actually, they’d probably swear a fair bit because that’s mostly what they seemed to have absorbed.

You are a new ingredient to our little melting pot of a neighbourhood.

What flavour will you be?

Though we lack any Chinese residents (as far as I know) think of the street as a container of “sweet and sour”.

One certainly hopes you will be more pineapple than onion.

I’ve taken the liberty of offering a traditional welcoming present by leaving a cup of sugar in your letter box.

Welcome to the neighbourhood.

The Iceberg LettersDear readers - the majority of an iceberg sits below the surface, and it may just take one special letter to see what else lurks under the tip of a topic.


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