The shoe is on the other foot

These shoes have been described as 'walking upon pillows of marshmallow clouds with one’s feet'

Dear multinational retailer,

IF YOU say you have men’s sized Dunlop Volleys for $10, then have men’s sized Dunlop Volleys for $10.

There it was, loud and clear in your glossy catalogue, declaring “Men’s, Women’s and Kid’s” (sic) Dunlop Volleys for just $10.

Alas, there they were not on the shelves of the local store. The happy and helpful junior employee stocking the shelves at the time informed me that she could not recall unpacking any manly sizes. An inquiry to the management also revealed there to be none in stock, and perhaps none were received.

I must admit it was with some element of disbelief I took in the red circle containing the “$10” on the catalogue page, a significant reduction from the average price tag of $30. I’d heard of such miraculous things but had never been fortunate enough to witness them myself.

As it turns out, I remain 10DVNW ($10 Dunlop Volley Non Witness).

Keen to see how deep this rabbit hole went, I explored my options further.

After all, I’m not just talking about a printed towel set or non-stick frypan - there were discounted Dunlop Volleys at stake; shoes which have been described as “walking upon pillows of marshmallow clouds with one’s feet wrapped in a canvas-like blanket of security”.*

To the Internet I turned with your website on my radar. Strangely enough, no listing of men’s sizes there either.

Curiouser and curiouser. As it turns out, your rabbit hole holds some depth.

After requesting the relevant contact information, an inquiry to further management up the chain revealed that your warehouses throughout the entire state contained no man-sized Volleys.

Instead, your blame-deflecting managererial type was able to inform me that it appeared they had not received any and therefore had none in stock.

Would you be getting any more in? Oh yes… but not while the current sale was on. How convenient.

Obviously, it’s too late for me to make a tennis career for myself in 1974 - however that doesn’t change my burning desire for the discounted comfort and fashion statement that is the Dunlop Volley. Perhaps that is another letter for another time.

For a brief moment, consideration was given to the largest size in the women’s range, possibly the black with pink trim option - but no, the differences in male-to-female foot design would not allow it.

Just in case the manager’s manager’s manager’s manager comes across the key to open the lock upon the large double warehouse doors with the bright “Dunlop Volleys – Men’s Sizes” written on the outside, a men’s size 8 in the yellow and green trim would be great.

*Described as such by me, just now.


Ashley Walmsley

is the editor of Good Fruit and Vegetables.
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