THIS letter must be brief because I really don’t have time to spend corresponding with you.
Not since you abandoned me at least. Where did you go? Don’t answer that - just move on.
Without you around, things irritate just that little bit more. The light bulb in the toilet blowing; the one-and-a-half-year-old spilling Weet Bix down his front; the wife backing the car out of the garage without first raising the roller door.
There was a time, when we were well acquainted, that I would have laughed about such things.
A merry chortle it would have been, as I shook my head in patient delight, looking forward to how I would recall the story to a group of eager listeners and we’d all be amused to contentment.
Today’s alternative involves me going off my nut to be perfectly honest.
One thing I have noticed since you departure is the fact that less and less stuff is my fault. It’s quite extraordinary.
It seems everyone around me is a bumbling fool, unable to perform or live up to the standards which I require.
This morning for instance, I delivered the following over breakfast:
“Oh, for goodness sake, look at the way you’ve spread that Nutella - disgraceful. It’s totally uneven, and that corner looks like the Simpson Desert - graced with nothingness.”
I feel it was well called for. If standards of toast condiment application fall, then it’s only a matter of time before the fabric of society starts to fall apart.
A true sign that you’ve lessened your impact on my life would be a regular column of letters venting my views on the world across various topics.
Now, that would really be of concern.
So patience, do you ever see yourself coming back? Whether you do or not doesn’t worry me because I’m far too busy being busy... although this ulcer medication is costing me an arm and a leg and it would be nice to sleep for more than four hours a night again.
Now look what you’ve gone and done - you’ve made me go completely over the word limit.
I shall end this now. I expect an apology soon.