DEAR FM morning radio,
MY sides hurt, they really do.
Not from laughter, but because I find thumping myself in the kidney with a star picket considerably more amusing than listening to you.
In kitchens, tractors, school buses, utes, earphones, cars and public transport across the country, you have the responsibility of setting the tone for the day.
You have the opportunity to navigate a direction.
Unfortunately, the direction you appear to be pointing us in is Boredomville.
Luckily though, your correspondent has given us the full drill about the traffic and the fact that North Boredomville is backed up through to Dull Drive, with there being a: “clear run through to Bland Avenue, and that’s your traffic update all thanks to McJack’s Family Resturant- try the new barbecue camel burger today.”
Let’s start in the studio though.
Why do you insist on giving yourselves “crazy” names?
TJ and the Guru; Tasha and Meggsie; CJ and Doof; Wazza and Pete; Nugget and Nat… and so forth.
Is it not good enough to simply have the Donald and Eliza Morning Show, or the Penelope and Stewart Morning Show?
Do you sign your EFTPOS receipts with “Stanga” or “Doolsie”? I think not.
I suppose you are providing background noise on worksites and in busy coffee shops. Then again, dishwashers and mowers do the same thing.
Please, no more attempts at prank calls and no more audio grabs from The Simpsons.
That was amusing back in the mid-1990s, about the same era many of you were still in primary school.
Except for the old station stalwart there, yeah, you know who you are.
The guy or girl who is still around because they know how to press the buttons, and have been teamed up with a younger counterpart making for laboured banter and awkward live appearances when required.
I write to inform you that outlandish radio show names have also had their day.
Every second one includes the word “breakfast” or “brekkie”, as if the announcers are sitting around with plates of Cornflakes and toast.
And please, don’t try to present an image of a morning party or unity by putting the word “crew” or “team” into your title.
Admittedly, take all this away you’d probably end up with something like the First Show of the Day Alliance with Barnabas and Abigail, which probably isn’t going to snare advertisers.
I trust you’ll not be offended as I insert a CD, ironically won from one of your “such-and-such FM” street van/machine/wagon/chariot/warrior vehicles.