Dear soaker hose,
JUST work - that’s all I ask. Don’t clog or split or puncture or warp - just work.
I know that’s a hard ask, particularly having paid only $5 for you from the Reject Shop, but I would appreciate it if you could show some staying power.
We’ve barely gotten through two summers and already your ability to provide a soaking has waned.
The grass which you are meant to be keeping green has browned off. Ironically, the cause of the browning is also the major contributor to your illness - the sun.
There is merit in rolling you up and storing you in the shed every night. Clearly this doesn’t always happen (as in, never) and so you lay flat, absorbing those plastic-degrading UV rays which make you brittle and temperamental to coil.
Why don’t you wind up properly? Those two pronounced ridges either side of you which provide stability also provide frustration when it comes time to coil you up.
I suspect that your lack of commitment and durability may come down to a case of poor self-esteem, prompted by your limited costume options.
You really only come in various shades of green, which shouldn’t technically affect your performance.
Imagine if someone brings out a bright pink version of you? It’ll sell like hot cakes and probably work like a charm for years and years.
For now though, it is green or green.
In my effort to prolong your career, I’ve even attempted to unclog some of your tiny, tiny holes.
This requires time and precision with a pin, and thick skin to weather the storm of criticism coming from friends accusing me of being cheap and tighter than body builder’s spandex.
Still I persisted. Whoever has that job in the factory must have very sore fingers by the end of the week.
Despite my best repair skills, nothing seems to fix you. Not back to your original condition anyway.
You are widely regarded as one of the most efficient watering tools in gardening history.
I sincerely hope I get to see that potential fulfilled this summer.