FWFWW Ep9: Paint, pineapples, ponies and parental guidance recommended

Farmer Wants a Wife episode nine has a painting theme and Bert may have found his calling.

As an aside, here's a quick tip for those short on time, or tired of pregnant pauses and conversations about connections: an episode goes quicker if watched in 1.25 speed.

Not surprisingly, none of the plot or character development is lost by doing this.

In this instalment, the ladies get the chance to woo the lads by proposing a one-on-one date, which has probably been pre-orchestrated by the Channel Seven uppers.

The farmer has to "choose" which producer/director-oriented date he'd prefer.

The ladies have to submit their date ideas the old fashioned way, on a note, which means the farmers get to assess their handwriting.

If any of these country lads happen to be inner graphologists, they'll be able to assess which ladies are harbouring inner demons.

Let's see how that played out for each.

Bert's girls are having a chat around a table, for something different, and it sounds more like they are planning a hostile takeover or an elaborate Rummikub move.

"He has a connection with all of us," one of them suggests. He must feel like Kevin Bacon.

Then they are off to pull weeds in the pineapples. (Note: Bert grows pineapples.)

This questions the effectiveness of the spraying performed in episode six.

Berty better get back onto his local agchem rep to ask why it didn't take.

Of all the dates put forward, he chooses Brooke's which is painting a picture of, you guessed it, pineapples.

Bert looks as uncomfortable as a Greens candidate at the saleyards, dabbing at a canvas with his fingers.

"I feel like emotional, mental intimacy is a pretty big deal for me," Brooke says, while painting in a bikini top and a poorly fitting, to the point of annoying, white linen shirt.

There is the inevitable playful squirt of paint that ends up on Bert's face and shirt.

He looks pretty ropeable but the only thing holding back his temper is the fact the paint was pineapple yellow.

They end up having a purposeful post-painting picnic in a posse positioned perfectly on a precise pineapple trailer.

It all seems joyful for Brooke until they return to the farm and Kaitlin Markle whisks Bert away for a rogue mini date, feeding him chocolate-dipped chillies.

That's a bit of a kick in the guts for Brooke who sobs in her room.

But hope is not lost for the viewer, for there, adorning yet another wall in his house, are three more spearguns to admire.

This lad sure does like to fish.

The word "disengenuine" is said twice in this episode, used as the supposed noun of the adjective, disingenuous.

No one is fooled by its use, as the writers appear to be digging deep for alternatives to "fake".

The girls are having a chat in that most conducive of conversation environments, the chook pen.

No one would blame Farmer Joe if he slipped a lock on the door and left them there while he went and actually did some work.

Calya has dressed for the day as Blossom.

Keely opens up with this insight: "I feel my feelings the way they are and I will always be honest about how I feel."

That sure is some deep feels.

"How'd you go in the chook pen? No cage fighting?" Farmer Joe throws in.

Once the eggs are collected it's time to wash the horses. Not content to just grab a hose, Joe ushers the ladies and horses into a boggy-looking dam.

One horse seems to go rank in the water, hitting its hoof repeatedly, possibly counting the use of the word "connection" for the horse viewers at home.

All the proposed dates for Joe seem to suggest getting his gear off and documenting it somehow.

The producers may have struck a deal with Dulux as paint is the order of the day. Joe chooses Keely's body painting date idea.

"We'd better go find some body paint," Joe says, as if he's got some in the body paint cupboard for body painting that's marked Body Paint, written in body paint.

From this point, the show descends into something of a flesh fest as its makers cash in on Joe's chiselled physique and Hugh Jackman-style looks. (With the addition of a tooth gap the size of Bass Strait.)

All of a sudden, Farmer Wants a Wife has become an adults-only Play School. What would Benita think? Big Ted would be appalled.

Joe strips off and she does a woeful painting of him.

"Yeah, there is a possibility I might find love here but we need to get to know each other more in order to build those feelings," Keely says, smearing paint on a bloke she met about a week ago.

Paint is going everywhere. It's all very inappropriate for a primetime TV spot. They wash it off in a nearby dam.

Hopefully the paint was biodegradable.

The only thing that could make it more indecent would be if they decided to have a bath together.

Back at the house, they have a bath together, in their swimmers, like sandwiches made on toast-size bread smooshed into a Tupperware lunchbox.

It's an intimate setting, complete with champagne, candles and a film crew.

Keely is banging on about that previous six-year relationship again.

Joe says he doesn't want to be a rebound. The bigger concern in the moment should be that he might develop camptocormia, or bent spine syndrome.

It's an episode of Dr Phil... in a tub.

Just then, the other girls (are told to) walk in from being somewhere unexplained, possibly trying to get the bogged horses from out the dam or maybe back in the chookpen.

They happen to open the bathroom door and see Joe and Keely sudsing it up. Awkward. Or at least, staged awkward.

Farmer Dustin's house has the market cornered on breakfast. Just like episode six where his mum was cooking pancakes, the girls are in the kitchen, doing an ad for Corn Flakes. (They are quite possibly the limited edition Isuzu Dmax flavour.)

Dustin emerges with a hearty, "Morning. What's going on here?", like he's never seen the girls preparing breakfast before.

His date of choice is with Sophie for a spot of lobbying.

Fortunately, it involves lobbies, the crayfish aquatic creature, not a trip to the local state politician to push for better roads, or perhaps drought support in Dustin's case.

Sophie looks slightly more buff than Dustin but that doesn't deter her.

He does not appreciate a surprise mud attack, probably because he knows the risk factor of contracting blue green algae poisoning, as an aerial shot a few minutes later suggests. (This is what Farmer Joe's dam now looks like due to the paint.)

They do some lip locking in the dam.

Once dried off and looking for the Stingose to stop the itching, they tuck into chicken nuggets and barbecue sauce on a rug in yet another overgrazed paddock. Romance at its finest.

There is no painting involved on Dustin's date, which is a shame because it would have made a very nice Bob Ross reference with his hair.

With Dean wandering off into the sunset with Teegan, Farmer Tom has become the newly ordained big hat wearer.

Tom goes with Krissy's date idea of a blind feeding, which probably has a more romantic name than that.

With the festoon lights in place within the tractor shed (there are at least two shots of Krissy adjusting them), the Helen Keller taste testing begins.

She feeds Tom food blindfolded. As in, Tom is blindfolded, not Krissy; that would be messier than a reality television show about farmers looking for love.

He knows his cheese ("That's brie.") and she's surprised.

He then baulks at a chocolate-coated strawberry, possibly thinking it was 1080 bait or something.

Back at the ranch/house, the other ladies are playing cards, which is the go-to activity for waiting wives.

Tom and Krissy meanwhile talk about whether Tom likes to be tickled but also likes cuddling, hugging and spooning

"Not a big spoon energy around here," he says.

Before he knows it though, Krissy jumps on in for some suckface while he's still blindfolded. He doesn't baulk at this like the strawberry.

The conversation goes deep when he confesses he likes Krissy's hair.

As if she's stopping at the local servo for a pie and choccy milk, she says: "I'm definitely on the way to falling in love."

Each farmer gets a message "from Sam" to come to somewhere immediately.

This allows for some more footage of the Isuzu vehicles leaving the various properties.

There are shots of each bloke packing a bag and walking out, all put to some 24-style (remember that show with Kiefer Sutherland?) music.

"A text from Sam never means it's going to be smooth sailing," Joe declares.

The lads rock up somewhere, hook into the grog and practise their best slouch stances.

Low and behold, everyone's actual favourite original, should-never-have-been-replaced and doesn't-need-a-sidekick host, Nat arrives on scene to lure viewers along in case anyone was having mid-series doubts.

They are told they'll be in for a weekend of camping and that there'll be another farmer joining them.

Nat asks them to welcome Farmer Todd, who should probably have been named farmer Wilson, after the neighbour on Home Improvement because we never get to see his face in full.

Or perhaps he's Dr Claw from the animated series, Inspector Gadget?

Now, assuming Farmer Todd is the Farmer Todd who appeared in the original line-up of eight farmers, here's a photo from the website a few months ago.

"There he is," says Joe, as if he's been waiting for him.

"Welcome to the circus," he adds.

The Connection Counter comes in at 13 this episode.

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