NO episode of Farmer Wants a Wife is complete without a seductive hippo.
So lucky Episode 10 had one. Phew!
Ah, I love Nat's "last time" part on each episode before we launch into tonight's mess. Why don't they just list the facts of the night: "Rob showed off batting skills he learned personally from Don Bradman, and Sam showed he bowls like he's stuck in an electric fence".
So, the farmers are taking one special lady for the final date. It's a big date, so of course I was imagining every girl's dream date: chicken schnitty at the local pub.
We're told before the dates that each farmer has to choose only two ladies to stay. Farmer Matt has got some spray mark and yards ready so he can effectively draft two from his large mob.
Once again, cue dreamy images of the farmers staring into the distance, silhouettes against the sunset and intense dog patting.
Other FWFWW blogs:
- FWFWW Blog 5: Farmers give girls the flick and Farmer Andrew steals from his mum
- FWFWW Blog 6: The dramatic return no one/ everyone saw coming
But alas, the lads have gone all out for the final date.
Farmer Sam with a woman's hat takes Mackenzie abseiling. If dropping off a cliff with a wedgie and freezing cold water pouring on your head doesn't seal the deal, nothing will.
Farmer Matt takes Hayley for a massage. We can feel the relaxation from here - getting partially nude on national television and having an intense convo about not getting enough attention. Ah, how's the serenity?
Farmer Andrew's gone and got a flash bike to go for a ride with Rach. And he's wearing leather pants. Oh man.
He burns off with Rach still waving to the ladies on the verandah and she nearly gets bucked off. It probably would have hurt less than what was to come.
They drive around some road, but it appears they end up back on the farm. And with helmet hair, they have a lovely picnic under a tree.
And then it goes downhill pretty quick. Andrew tells the lovely Rach he thinks they're just friends. She takes it like a boss and goes and has some alone time by the dam.
Andrew takes his opportunity to gobble the rest of the picnic and then joins her after what seems a few hours on the dam bank.
She decided to go home. We're sad to see her go.
Farmer Will has again taken a lady to the epitome of romance - Dubbo. Yep. Take that, Nyngan.
He's taken Kristina to the Dubbo zoo. He's taken a zoo keeper to the zoo for a date. That's like my husband parking me in front of my computer and saying: "Here's a romantic date for you, darling. You're going to spend the day writing about EBVs". Seen it.
There is plenty of exotic animals on display. Will strokes a tortoise suggestively, and starts shamelessly flirting with a hippo.
Kristina sees him poking his tongue out at the hippo and gets jealous. Or maybe she's just terrified Will is going to invite the hippo back to his farm.
They have a nice chat, and Will tells Kristina this has been his favourite date of all. We hear a lion roaring in the background - or was it Jaimee?
Next our woolly Farmer Rob takes Kate the psychologist on a date. She draws diagrams on napkins while Rob guzzles oysters.
It's like all those lessons at school where you had no idea what the teacher was talking about so you just nodded and sneaked a Crunchie from under your desk.
A storm has set in at Farmer Will's. Jessica (you know the lady who broke her wrist in a frenzy of late night gardening - as you do) sits down and tells Will she feels like there is no time for her. Uh oh.
Meanwhile another storm is setting in at Andrew's. He's got some lambs in to weigh. Thank gosh he's got our favourite man in to help. Chops for prime minister!
After excessive use of the tin dog, Ash sets Jess a challenge - whoever does the best job drafting gets alone time with Andrew. We already know how this will go.
Ash makes 11 errors. Jess makes 576. Or thereabouts. She snaps the carrot and leaves the yards in a huff.
Farmer Will returns to the house after yabbying with Kristina and Jaimee. And guess what? Broken wrist lady has bailed. Will suggests they look for her.
The ladies check the bedroom, and then come back to find Will has gone back to sorting out the yabbies. He's clearly very concerned.
Farmer Matt has decided it's best to draft in daylight - you know, so you don't cull the wrong ones. He takes Jacqui and Brydie off under a tree and performs the double dump. Again, it's sad to see some top chicks leave.
Cut to Farmer Andrew and Ash huddling under a blanket on the back of a ute as the rain and wind lash them. Apparently getting in the ute cab did not occur to either of them.
And then we're back to Farmer Rob's for something truly spectacular - Rob in snazzy boardies.
Leah, the mountain guide with hay fever, has taken Rob down to the freezing river and is preparing to dunk him in it.
Rob looks terrified - apparently with two lumps in his throat. We feel your pain, big fella.
There is a lot of talk of trust and bravery before Rob dips under the water and is baptised. He says he feels alive as he stumbles out of the water jackhammering - that's the adrenaline. You nearly died, dude.
Ok - we're up to the farewell dinners.
Here's the main points:
- Will states he called Jessica and eventually hears she is safe and no longer here. It sounds like the start of a horror movie.
- Rob can finally feel his feet again and asks Leah to leave. Nobody puts baby in the river. She is lovely about it. Rob even does the perfect demo of how to wave goodbye - take note, Sam.
- Matt talks to Hayley and Tara about what to do. Tara rants uncontrollably about wanting to live on the farm. She seems shocked he could even consider she would up and leave. Oh, that's right. Then Matt asks Hayley to leave. Tut tut.
- Sam takes Demi to what should be known as the Dumping Chair on his verandah. And then dumps her. I'm just so impressed with how clean he has kept that jacket he bought for the show. He could probably return it once filming had ended.
But my favourite moment of the night was at Andrew's farm. Ash and Andrew snog by the fire. Then Jess turns up and starts using cooking marshmallows as a theory on life. Deep.
Then she pulls the trump card. She tells him she has fallen in love with him.
And he responded with the line every girl wants to hear after she tells a man she loves him.
"I'll get some wood."
Farming tip of the day: When slashing grass, it is best to not pick up the cut grass by hand. That will take a week.
Sign up here to Good Fruit and Vegetables weekly newsletter for all the latest horticulture news each Thursday...